My Darby Darlings, I have not forgotten you! It has been a fast month! I was too busy celebrating black history to post our winners these past three weeks, but let's do it all in this massive recap of the month of love.
Week 1: February 1st!
2.1 THE SECRET MYSTERY PRIZE IS SO MYSTERIOUS AND SECRETIVE THAT IT APPEARS OVEREXPOSED IN PHOTOGRAPHS. ONLY OLIVER MILLER MELTDOWN KNOWS THE TREASURE THEY HOLD.
2.1 The Bar Stool Bandits are kind of like the Berenstain Bears except that instead of being anthropomorphic animals named after family role, they are actually our 3rd place winners.
2.1 When we last left our heroes, Optimus Sub Prime Lending Scheme, they had just acquired the Zora Sapphire after saving a princess from the stomach of her giant fish deity. Now that they have finally collected all three Spiritual Stones, they can enter the Sacred Realm and claim the best trivia prize of them all.
2.1 Trivia Tools took first place at trivia. They also beat me at Connect Four, Chess, Mario Kart 64, jacks and cribbage. Then they beat me out for the big promotion and married the girl of my dreams. They're likable and the life of every party they attend. Superior human beings right here.
Week 2: February 15th!
2.15 Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement got 4th place at trivia but 1st place in Bozo's Buckets. So, you know... they have THAT going for them.
2.15 Third place winners, Sorry My Farts Snell, are amazing, yeah they're all that. If they ain't on their grind, then what you call that? Victorious, yeah, they warriors. They make history, strive off victories. Standing at their podium, they're tryin' to watch their sodium. Die of high blood pressure, either let the feds get ya. They're amazing, born on a full moon. They were bred to get it in, no spoon. That's why they're so goose. Summertime, no juice. Big family, small house, no room.
We're like "oh god, why they go so hard? Look what they've been through! They deserve an applause!"
2.15 Optimus Sub-Prime Lending Scheme Chapter 3: The stakes had never been higher. The Special Cup Gran Prix championship hinged on this race. They knew the race would be dangerous as all pure-blooded go-karters intrinsically know. But this was getting out of hand. In the previous race, a driver was blind-sided by a red turtle shell and knocked into a pit of lava. The officials pulled the debris out of the burning magma with a fishing pole, but it was too late, the driver was scalded beyond recognition. Reckless abandon and a powerful engine are the marks of these champions. Still, as their motors ignite and the countdown begins on this rainbow road, the question remains: How can a gorilla drive a go-kart?
2.15 Team Jobin asked me to photoshop Parks and Recreation characters into their photo. But I forgot and I don't have Photoshop on this computer. BUT I do have MS Paint, so I did the best I could. I'll do better the next time you win Team Jobin, I promise! Also, everybody should watch Parks and Recreation on NBC on Thursday nights. It is crazy funny.
Week 3: February 22nd!
2.22 Allie Gator's favorite kind of Girl Scout cookie is Tagalongs. That is why they are in 4th place. Because we all know Samoas are where that ish is AT! Samoas: the girl scout cookie of winners.
2.22 Team Jobin must always get discounted booze at bars, because every hour spent with them is a happy one.
2.22 Our 2nd place winners are Come See Scott Olstad at Trivia! I promise that is their name. I'm totally not making that up in a shameless attempt to market trivia at Darby's. I would never sell out like that. In unrelated news, my money is on Team Drink Coca-Cola to win this week's special Nike Air Jordan Trivia at Darby's. This message was brought to you by Levi Jeans.
2.22 Optimus Sub-Prime Lending Scheme was one point away from a perfect game. They actually knew the correct answer for their one missed question, but wisely realized they didn't want to peak too early in life. After a perfect trivia score, it's all downhill from there. Good move guys.
OKAY NOW WE ARE ALL CAUGHT UP AND IT IS TIME FOR ANOTHER FUUUUUUUUUUN MONTH OF TRIVIA! I'll see you all there!